a - n - x - i - e - t - y

Hailey
Jun 8, 2019
3 min read

I don't even know where to start with this post. "Hi, I'm Hailey and I suffer with anxiety." I feel like I should be in a meeting. I was raised to not talk about mental health because it was taboo and "not real". I still get comments from friends and family who think I fake my anxiety. (I'm sorry but who would fake this. Oh that's right, no one.)

Here is my story.

Google describes anxiety as, "a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome."

I didn't know what anxiety was until I was a late teen. I knew I struggled but had no idea why. I was depressed but figured my issues were a part of that. I was never taken to the doctor over my anxious issues (because kid's go through phases!) and never sought help. I knew what I was feeling wasn't normal. How can someone live their life so worried about practically nothing. I worried about the weather, the traffic (which got worse over time), big crowds, schools, what I was eating, events, grocery shopping and every little thing in between. I was anxious 97% of the time.

As I got older, I had to do something. So I reached out to my doctor when I was pregnant with my oldest. But of course, they chalked it up to nerves of being a new mom and things would subside when the baby was here. But she was wrong. Things only got worse. I suffered with PPD - Post Pardum Depression - very bad. I was back in my teenage years depressed and fighting to live. On top of my depression and regular anxieties, I was anxious about my daughter. What if she stops breathing, could she be kidnapped, what if I am doing something wrong, should I be taking her in public, and pretty much every thing else that comes with being a mom. What if I wasn't made for this? Something was seriously wrong.

I talked with my OB at my six week check up and she referred me to a counselor and a general physician. Which was a God send. I was able to talk about my feelings and get honest feedback about my life. I could tell them I was struggling and they did not judge me, they helped me. It was at this time I got an official diagnosis. I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder as well as Minor Social Anxiety. Yay me. On top of these new struggles, I was also living with MDD - Major Depression Disorder - with minor body dysmorphia. My doctors were able to adjust my medications to fit my needs.

This was eight years ago and I am still seeking help and talking about my problems and working hard on fixing them. You can not make depression and anxiety go away. If you could, I would have sold my soul by now. I work very hard to stay stable and live my life to the fullest. I do have my good days, as well as my bad days, but I am human. I have worked hard on myself and have been able to come off of my daily anxiety medications. I am still taking depression medication but right now that is what is best for myself and family. (I have lowered the dose!) I still struggle with body issues to this day, but am working hard on not letting those thoughts consume my life.

A lot of people see the "happy" Hailey on social media and YouTube but that isn't always true. Not for me and 99% of everyone else online. You see what we want you to see. A lot of people don't show the struggles, and I hope one day they can. Mental issues are not fake, they are a brain disorder. If you were to break your leg, you would get it fixed and people would help you heal. It should be the same for our brain. Yes, we may not see it, but there are scientific facts that disorders are true. We should reach a hand out for those struggling and help them heal mentally. Everyone deserves a life worth living.

Share your story.

Be brave.

Let people love you for the good AND bad.

You are not your illness.

Check on your "happy" friends.

Practice self care.

You are stronger than you know.

Ask for help.

Take medications if needed. (DO NOT be ashamed!)

Talk to a friend.

LIVE.

NUMBERS